He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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