I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
