And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
