i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
