I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
