So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
