it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
