Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
