Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
