you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
