defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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