Banned from zoo.
Again?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
