he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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