Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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