either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
