Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
