I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
