Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
there is puke in my bra ... again
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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