Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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