Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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