it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
