She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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