Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
