I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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