I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
