Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
