We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Two words: nipple clamps
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