i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just found puke in my bra..
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
