Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
