The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
