I accidentally had phone sex last night
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
