I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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