How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
