So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
