Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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