Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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