Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
