my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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