Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
