you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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