the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
