Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
