I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
