I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
