why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
