and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
