i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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