Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
