Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Randomize
