Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
vagina is talking i cant
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
