Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
